Edited By Juulia Tumanoff
The joys of moving into student accommodation are endless: high rents, maintenance problems, and difficult reception staff. It becomes obvious that the best part is the new people that you're able to meet. So, in true Satyrica fashion, find out which Greek gods best match your new flatmates!
ZEUS
It’s likely that this flatmate will be the cause of some tension. They bring someone new home every Sports Night, which can get a bit tedious. It’s also a real shame because one girl made a really good cup of tea.
HERA
They’re the queen of passive-aggressive. Forget to bring the bins in once and it's like you've killed their dog. Of course, don't expect her to take part in cleaning the flat – that’s your job.
POSEIDON
Does this flatmate actually exist past getting food in the kitchen at 3AM? Debatable. Like Poseidon, they stick to their own space and ignore pretty much everything else.
ARES
All I need to say is there will be one flatmate who will get kicked out of the Vault or Guy's Bar after getting drunk and arguing with a bouncer. It will be this person. You will not hear the end of it.
APHRODITE
The flat’s resident beauty guru and life coach. When you first meet them during freshers you assume that you’ll never get along. However, you’ll soon learn that they offer the best drunk advice.
HEPHAESTUS
This flatmate flew under the radar until they started going out with the flat-Aphrodite. How they got together and if they’re actually compatible, remains a mystery. (The imminent breakup will make any future interactions extremely awkward.)
DEMETER
The resident flat vegan or vegetarian who spent most of lockdown baking banana bread and knitting. They’re also the only person who’ll remember to water the flat house plant.
ATHENA
As you'd probably expect, the Athena flatmate is the one person who does all, and I mean all, of the seminar reading. If you're lucky, you two will happen to be on the same course and they’ll be willing to share their notes with you.
DIONYSUS
This flatmate is party central, which is fun for the first two nights of freshers until you realise you just want to sleep without the joy of EDM through a speaker.
APOLLO
The resident ray of sunshine, they'll always be up ready for a 9AM lecture with freshly pressed smoothie and a nutritious breakfast. How they do it, we'll never know. What we do know is how they'll constantly talk about how often they get up with the sunrise for their meditative yoga/cardio workout.
ARTEMIS
The opposite of Apollo. This flatmate is basically nocturnal and can often be found heavily caffeinated or on their way to the Shack for coffee. At night Artemis and her pack of friends can be found partying with Dionysus or on a moonlit walk in the local park.
HERMES
An angel who will venture down to the letterbox and get your post without complaining. If you're missing this person in your flat, good luck!
HESTIA
Most definitely underrated, so she can't be excluded from this list. They're the flatmate who cleans the kitchen before inspection, including the semi-sentient bin. They generally stop the flat from falling apart but never get enough credit for doing this. Am I projecting? Absolutely.