edited by Mathilde Hunt
Prelude
The year is 2085. The landscape is post-apocalyptic, ravaged by climate change and nuclear warfare. It looks a little bit like Swindon. The government is at full strength: the cabinet is formed up of Sesame Street characters and Sandi Toksvig is Prime Minister. God is retired and Julie Andrews is our supreme high deity, orchestrating the resurrected Greek gods from behind the desk she used in the movie Tooth Fairy. Down on Earth, chaos reigns: Lil Nas X’s Old Town Road (Dame Barbara Walters Remix) is still at number one; Taylor Swift is already dropping Easter eggs for her upcoming album ‘Reggae at Midnight’; the box office is dominated by Captain America 12: Cap in the Hat; and the price of a pint in London is now £86.43. You stroll into your local Lidl and pick up a copy of Nuts, now the only credible source of news left in mainstream media. Flicking to the back, you catch the obituary column and spot a familiar name: Lucy Hall. Impossible, you think, she was chased out of town years ago by an angry mob after publishing some barely-controversial opinions about Disney’s ‘Hercules’…
You stroll into your local Lidl and pick up a copy of Nuts, (...) Flicking to the back, you catch the obituary column and spot a familiar name: Lucy Hall.
At the funeral, all six of my ex-spouses are there. After a particularly moving choral rendition of Coolio’s Gangsta’s Paradise in D Minor, with much effort the spouses raise the coffin and carry it slowly down the aisle to the dumpsters outside. As they march, tears pour down their faces: through their individual headphones, my pre-recorded cackles pump out as a gentle reminder that I am still very much a threat. The rest of you, sitting in the church with your heads bowed in prayer, will simply hear the echoing, angelic tones of the gospel according to Disney’s Hercules.
Ranking Disney’s Hercules songs based on how likely I am to play it at my funeral
8. Go the Distance + reprise
I like this song: the tune is catchy, the lyrics are decent. Roger Bart has the voice of a prepubescent angel so that’s always a plus. Although the way Herc full on ploughs down a tree as he sings ‘I can be strong’ did have me howling, it’s just not weird enough to carry my corpse to the grave.
7. I Won’t Say (I’m in Love)
I have to admit, it tore me to shreds to rank Meg so low, but this is based on suitability for my funeral, not on how much I appreciate a good bop. There would be a relatively shallow level of irony if I, with my infamous heart of stone, had a song about denying love playing as I peaced out of this world, but that’s not enough for me. I would like Meg to sing some kind of dirge though, maybe as people enter the church, so let’s call Susan Egan and talk numbers.
6. Gospel Truth I
This is honestly an ICONIC opener. It’s fabulous, it’s catchy, it serves its purpose from a narrative standpoint and it’s a banger for the ears. Yes, they make Zeus into a real goody-two-sandals hero, but in all fairness this whole movie is just what happens when you basically splice together Hercules mythology with a 101 other references then dip it in scented hand sanitizer. I also love the use of the Muses to tell this story: having them sing gospel was an inspired decision.
But as much as I love this song, it’s not my funeral song, mainly for one reason: it’s a narrative song, and it would be weird to play the beginning of a story as we say farewell to me. It sets the tone for Hercules, but not for my funeral.
5. A Star is Born (no relation to Lady Gaga)
Wait - this is a song? Forgettable. I’m not going to lie to you, I’ve only heard this song all the way through once, and even that was because I couldn’t be bothered to get up and change the DVD until halfway through the credits. This song is utterly unremarkable and I had no idea it was a thing until I googled the song list.
The only reason this song is not ranked lower on the list is for how appropriate it would be for my loved ones to listen to it as they mourn. It’s inappropriately celebratory, which is exactly the kind of ironic tone I want to aim for at my funeral, especially if the Muses are literally telling people to “shout it from the mountaintops”.
“A star is born” right as I’m being lowered into the grave? Inspired.
4. Gospel Truth III
The biggest tragedy in Hercules is they limit the Gospel Truth and its reprises to the first third of the movie.
This is some sad sh*t and I’m here for the funeral vibes. In case you can’t distinguish, the third part of Gospel Truth (ode three, if you will) has the Muses singing about how Hercules is now mortal but still has his god-like strength. It’s pretty suitable for a funeral – you’ve got the mournful lamentation, you’ve got the muted tones, you’ve got the soul, you’ve got the pretty sad lyrics. However, it’s really not the most memorable of Gospel Truths, which is why we have her only at number 4.
3. Gospel Truth II
I need not explain why the introduction of Hades make the perfect song to play as I descend to Tartarus. Tragically, this is the closest this movie gets to a villain number for Hades, but at least this tune gives us its all. The tone is very sombre, ideal for a funeral… but alas, not my funeral. People are going to be bummed out as it is, let’s jolly it up a bit! The fact that this isn’t sung by Hades, and that the beautiful voices and vibrato going on here would kill me all over again, is why this is placed behind…
2. One Last Hope
…Danny Devito. I really want Danny Devito to sing at my funeral. I nearly ranked these songs based on how sexually attractive the singers were, which would have placed this at number one. If someone could give the sexy beast that is Philoctetes/Danny Devito a call, so he can serenade me out of this world, I won’t haunt you from beyond the grave.
Dragging ourselves away from sex-god Devito, in terms of the song itself, this is a pretty decent track. After the success of Robin Williams in Aladdin, Disney had (and still have) a major kink for hiring celebrity voices for side characters in their feature films, and Danny Devito was Hercules’ Genie. The song has a lot of similarities to Friend Like Me – there are References™ and a line about a hero needing to be “a good merchandiser” which did get a chuckle from me.
But ultimately, what elevates this song to such high status is indubitably Danny Devito and that beautiful New Jersey accent. I mean, can y’all picture this at my funeral, ‘cause I know I can.
1. Zero to Hero
I loved this song growing up. I looked it up and this is number 19 on my iTunes most played. This song is catchy as hell. Bless my soul my replay button broke for this song.
This is the ultimate song to play at a funeral and here’s why: it puts the glad in gladiator. It’s a song about self-improvement, and I like to think that my return as a poltergeist will improve everyone else’s lives, thanks to my wholesome demonic haunting.
Also, can we take a moment to appreciate this scene in the movie? We’ve got geometric patterns, pottery, mythological references, pop culture references, historical references, enough colour to paint a cat. It’s like being blasted with some hybrid-Classical crack.
This song is beautiful, and perfectly represents all I stand for in life and, most importantly, in death.
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